When you show bravery in the face of danger it not only scares your enemy but also give you courage to persevere. There were days when I didn’t feel very brave. When I just wanted to stop fighting. But I knew if I did that the battle will be over. So I pretended like crazy in order to give me the courage to go on but also to encourage those around me.
Trials and tribulations makes you grow. It brings out what you are made off and brings new depth to who you are. This is something that I knew so well, but when faced with this particular trial I didn’t feel like taking up the challenge. I didn’t want to change. But I did walk that road. And I did grow. And the flowers are definitely starting to sprout. So when you feel like you are drowning remember that with all that rain a beautiful field of flowers lies ahead.
Just after my 4th chemo session I was going through a rough patch emotionally. I was allergic to one of the chemotherapy drugs I was given and my team of doctors was in discussions to maybe stop the chemotherapy. I was sitting in church one Sunday morning and we were singing a song by Bethel. The words was It is well with my soul. I loved that song and through everything I have face in the path was always able to say those words. But that morning I couldn’t sing it. I was scared and was in no place to confess those words because I was nowhere near being ok. Just as our pastor was going to start his sermon he said that there are people who are struggling to sing those words – It is well with my soul. He said that, that was ok. God knows what you are going through and even though you cannot say that you are ok now, know that you will be. I was so touched that God knew at that moment what I was going through and that he was just reminding me that even though I am not there yet, I will be.
From day 1 I was lucky enough to be surrounded by fighters. My team of Doctors (Dr Abri Bezuidenhout, Dr Ananda Vorster and Dr Birkholtz) were all fighting for me. An aggressive stage 3 tumor is scary to face, but they not only gave me the best chances medically to fight this they also gave me encouragement that with the right attitude I can do anything. The oncology nurses at the Life Groenkloof was always so supportive. When I got an allergic reaction to the chemo therapy on 4 occasions they were the warriors fighting for me. My husband, my children, my mom and dad, my friends and especially all my colleagues at Royal African Discoveries were all fighters that supported me, loved me and carried me when I was too tired to even lift my head. When you surround yourself with fighters and positive people half the battle is already won. Don’t shy away from people who want to fight with you.
We cannot always choose what we go through but we can choose how we go through it. When I went for my chemo sessions I always chose to smile. I decided that I may not have any control what happens during my chemo sessions or even after but that I had control over how I went through it. My husband was there with my every time. We played 30 seconds, read books and listened to music. We decided to not let this steal my joy.
A mastectomy is not a boob job! This quote needs to be given to everyone that dares to think a women going through reconstruction is getting better boobs.
The decision to get a mastectomy is one of the most difficult decisions you will make.
It is life-altering: You are losing a very essential part of yourself. There are so many memories you will have when you realise it is gone forever.
It is scary: I had complications from my surgery and it was so scary to think that something that was supposed to save my life – prevent cancer from coming back – could make me so sick.
It is raw: You will be forced to really look at who you are and to accept that you are forever changed.
It is emotional: How can a painful surgery where something is built out of nothing not be emotional. It is an emotional roller coaster.
It takes a part of your womanhood: For me my boobs mean sensuality, sexuality and confidence. It also means nurturing and when that is take away it is a lot to deal with.
It is body changing: Getting new boobs is so sore especially when you think that they remove everything and ten built something completely new. It doesn’t look like you and it feels foreign.
It is a personal choice: Every woman is different and every one will choose something else. For me the choice to reconstruct my boobs was one made out of the necessity to be me again and to get back what cancer took from me.
It is brave: Getting a mastectomy and for me going through reconstruction was one of the bravest things I have had to do. I had to face pain every day and make the choice every day to be brave despite how I am feeling.
It is life saving: This is the only reason that I can make it through every day. Choosing a mastectomy saved my life and will give me many more years with my family.
It is beautiful: A mastectomy and in my case reconstruction made me feel beautiful after cancer made me feel broken.
When you hear you have breast cancer there are a lot of big decisions you need to make. One of them being the choice to do a mastectomy or not. I knew that was the wisest options, but losing your breasts and your nipples is one of the hardest things of this journey.
I know it was the correct choice to have a double mastectomy and to remove my nipples and that it was definitely better than to have to face the cancer again in a few years’ if I didn’t make this choice. However when you have to face yourself in the mirror every day it is a whole different ball game.
I received this image a short while after my mastectomy and although I was encouraged it was also very difficult to get this message to my brain.
“You are warrior with battle wounds that make you more unique and beautiful than before”.
I have realised that it is going to take daily reprogramming of my mind to accept the scars and the new me.
1) It is ok to be shocked when you find out you have cancer. It is an illness that has such a negative connotation and that can overwhelm even the strongest person.
2) You are going to be making a lot of BIG decisions. Accept help from your medical team and talk to your spouse / family. It is something you don’t have to face alone.
3) Losing your hair sucks! Well, it did for me. I had to learn to love myself for me and not for what I see in the mirror. I think this is the first step in this whole process of accepting yourself. I have never had a good body image and losing my hair was really tough for me. But seeing myself through other peoples’ eyes really helped. As did wigs and beautiful scarfs!
4) You have to rely on others. A lot! It was so difficult for me. But I realized that accepting their help was the only way they could help me fight this battle as in the end you are the only one who can do the physical act of beating this thing. People can bring you food, gifts, help drive around the kids or just pray. Allow them to.
5) Knowing that they are removing both breasts including your nipples was a big thing for me. I LOVE my boobs. I always have, They have always been the perfect size and knowing that it was going to change was huge. I was afraid of losing my confidence. The little that I had in myself.
6) Prepare yourself that your road will be bumpy. My plan was 6 chemo treatments, followed by a bilateral mastectomy and then reconstruction. The actual road was a bit more difficult than that. I always just focussed on the end of the road and therefore every bump I faced was really tough for me. Somewhere along the road I realised to focus on shorter goals and that made it easier to face problems when they occurred.
7) Remember your family is also affected by this. Just because they don’t have to fight it physically doesn’t mean they are not suffering. Allow them to also grieve and have bad days. Your kids will struggle, your husband especially and your close family and friends.
8) Cancer should not make you a victim but rather a hero. Remind yourself of that fact and how amazing your body is for fighting this beast.
I had amazing friends who supported me during this time. Some friends brought food, some brought books and some brought chocolates. One of my friends gave me a coffee mug with the words “FIGHT LIKE PRINCESS” and it had a picture of Princess Leia on. This was one of my favorite mugs as it was such a physical reminder that brought a smile to my face on some of my saddest days. Thank you Sandra!
When you are going through something that challenges you and that you have never faced before it is very difficult to be kind with yourself. This was one of my toughest lessons. There were days that I was so angry that I couldn’t do what I normally could and then I had to remind myself that even though we encourage our kids to always be kind to others it was my time to be kind with myself. I will be able to do everything and more so so soon but for now it was ok to just be and go through the motions.